tooktheblack | for Leah

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for Leah

When the island changed back after a moon of dusty, dry desert, Jon was relieved. He was much happier with what he knew, after all, even if it wasn't the snow and ice that he would have preferred. He decided the best thing to do would be to head to the jungle to hunt once more, Ghost at his side.

It was much easier to bag game when he left Ghost to his own devices and, as such, Jon stripped down to swim in the pool beneath the waterfall while Ghost roamed the jungle. Usual game was monkeys and boar, occasional snakes and birds, and Jon fully expected him to show back up with a muzzle darkened with blood.

Until then, he was content to swim.

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"No, but if your situation at home wasn't desirable, there's nothing wrong with taking pleasure in a new one," Jon decided. It wasn't something that came easily to him, though, especially considering he felt like he was abandoning his duty at the Wall.

"Are you happy here, Leah?"

"No." It wasn't a hard question, not to Leah, though on reflection that wasn't an entirely honest answer. "But I'm not really unhappy, either. I'm not miserable, which is an improvement."

She huffed softly and raked her still wet hair back out of her face. "I don't know if I even remember how to be happy. Maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm a pessimistic bitch most of the time."

"I noticed a strong woman who doesn't care about censoring her emotions simply to be polite or to be what society prefers," Jon said, hoping that was a tactful response. It was, at the least, an honest one and he imagined that Leah might appreciate honesty.

"There's something admirable about that. You remind me of someone I loved very much, in Westeros. A woman called Ygritte."

The shock was pretty obvious in Leah's expression and body language; if she hadn't been sitting, she'd have taken a step back. It was difficult to wrap her head around the concept of her attitude being remotely admirable, much calling a loved one to mind.

"I...thanks." She wasn't sure what else to even say to that. She hoped she wasn't blushing. "What, um. What happened to her? You said 'loved' so I figured, past tense."

"She died trying to protect me," Jon said, his voice wavering a bit. It had been a long time since he'd spoken of Ygritte and especially to someone not of the North.

"She was a brave woman with a good heart. I miss her very much. She was the first woman I ever loved."

Leah winced visibly and drew her legs even closer to her chest, wrapping her arms around them and propping her chin on her knees. Protecting herself from her own hurt, she supposed; she knew what it was like when grief and love and loss were too tangled to separate, even she hadn't experienced exactly the same thing.

"That's hard. Really sucks. I'm sorry."

"She is the not the first loved one I've lost," Jon said gently, "And likely she won't be the last. She was just the first person to see me as I truly was instead of a product of my ill birth. I was grateful to her, for that, and for her honesty."

He paused slightly. "You've lost someone too, haven't you?"

When he asked, Leah realized that no one had ever asked her about Sam before. They didn't have to. No secrets among the Pack, after all, no quiet places in your head that couldn't be seen into. Everyone knew every intimate detail whether they wanted to or not--and they made it very clear that they didn't want to. Didn't want to hear it, didn't want to talk about it. Shut up, Leah. No one cares that you hurt.

"Not the same way, he didn't die." She tried to shrug, like it didn't matter anymore, but she wasn't fooling anyone and she knew it. "He just fell in love with someone else."

"I'm sorry," Jon said quietly. He chanced reaching out toward her, touching her hand. He was likely to be bitten, certainly, but that was always a risk with something wild and Leah was certainly that.

"It's not very fair to you, that he'd do that."

"Like you said, such is life," Leah murmured. She didn't snap or pull away, but she'd grown very unaccustomed to receiving any kind of empathy and wasn't sure what to do with it. It made her feel tense and unsteady.

"It would've been easier to get over it if he'd been an asshole about it. I can't even hate the girl he--" She nearly said 'imprinted on' but thankfully stopped herself, because she wasn't sure she wanted to explain it, "--fell for. She's family, she was like a sister to me. I don't particularly like either one of them anymore, but I love them. I hope they're happy, I hope they have a good life. I just didn't want to have to stick around and watch."

It still hurt enough that her eyes stung, but Leah responded to hurt with anger and rubbed at them furiously. "But apparently that's unreasonable and selfish."

"It's not. I left my father's house to go to the Wall because my stepmother, my brother's mother, felt like I was less than vermin. She hated me because I was the product of what she assumed was a tryst my father had after he'd married her. I wasn't. I was his late sister's daughter, though she didn't know that, and Catelyn Stark hated me more than anything imaginable. I was tired of feeling it, always, and knowing I was less than my trueborn brothers and sisters. So I left it all behind."

It was more than he'd told anyone that wasn't family, honestly, and since Leah had shared something intimate, Jon wanted to return that favor.

Leah huffed a mirthless laugh and dropped her hand, a grateful smile flickering across her face, there and gone just as quickly. Whatever his reason for being willing to share something that personal, it made her feel a little less like an idiot for babbling on about her sucky love life.

"She sounds like a complete and utter bitch, and if she had any damned spine she'd have kicked her husband's ass instead of treating you like shit." She blew out a breath, glad to have some unknown women to unleash some of her venom on. "It follows you, though, doesn't it? That feeling of being less."

"It does. It's followed me my whole life," Jon admitted quietly. "And I suppose your first love and his new love follow you, or did. Here is a place for a brand new start. The island is incredibly good at providing that to people."

Leah nodded absently; that was what everyone kept saying, and maybe it was true. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing, to stop resisting and give it a chance.

"You know most people would've completely given up on trying to talk to me by now," she remarked with a wry smirk. "You're either stubborn as hell or a glutton for punishment. Or both."

"My brother tends to say both," Jon said, laughing. "Come on, then. No more melancholy. Let's have another swim, instead?"

He nodded toward the water. "I could always toss you in."

Leah was more than happy to leave the heavier things behind. She scoffed softly and rolled her eyes at him, though her smile warmed considerably for a moment.

"It's cute, how you think you're big enough to do that," she drawled, then looked up and jerked her chin towards the cliff. "Or we could jump."

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